Pulling a Ginger Ale Vagina

The weekly uncovering of the urban lifestyle, contemporary trends and other (Canadian) peculiarities from a totally biased and nonobjective European perspective. Infiltration, intrigues, wonder and more ...

sk someone to tell you a joke or a funny anecdote and you will be able to determine a good portion of his or her psyche. It will tell you if a person has (your kind of) humor, (your kind of) taste, is able to appeal to his or her listener in an entertaining way. At the least, you will find out if the induhvidual involved is capable of remembering three or more lines of text.

Ask that same person to tell another anecdote or joke the next month and you will learn even more for the same price. Still no joke or funny tale : no social life. Does he / she tell the same lame joke as last time : doesn't give a rat's ass to what you're actual talking about. Comes up with a new joke but screws up the punchline again : limited brain capacity. New joke but you're not quite sure, how or what was funny about it : socially challenged. Great joke, good laugh : must have been practicing all month, the loser. Personally I'll classify for all of the aforementioned: I've been using the same joke for the last five years, which I still manage to screw up, but persist in telling it till the end to reap that painful silence and blank stare.

Whatever the case : Humor comes in all kinds of colours and flavours. And as research has shown, people who laugh a lot, live on average a lot longer than people who get into fatal car accidents... which only goes to show the easy going nature of humor : it can readily be stolen (*).

As for the typical local humor, it's ... interesting. Canadian humor features beer jokes, authentic accents and the irreplaceable “eh” as the star attractions. One could say the local humor is a bit of an acquired taste, a delight for a selected few, a niche within the spectrum of specialized specialties... but despite being part of the former British colonies, their former ruler's sarcasm hasn't rubbed off. Canadian humor is quite harmless.

Christopher B. insisted on having his foot in this photo

Nevertheless the mission demanded further information on this topic and I set out to see a performance at Yuk Yuk's.

Yuk Yuk is a chain of stand up comedy clubs with establishments throughout Canada. It's a prototypical one too. If you have ever seen the introduction of Seinfeld, you know what it looks like: dark bar, small stage with a microphone prominently in the middle and obligatory wooden bar chair with a single spotlight and a curtain to hide whatever is going behind the stage that the audience is not allowed to see. For the Seinfeld unaware reader, see below.

The arena of comedy

The fun starts at the entrance where it quickly becomes obvious the professional humor industry prefers to select appearance over brains. Swiping the my credit card proves to be a big challenge for the financial operator and she requires the help of her manager, twice ...

"so I swipe it like this... no ? How about this no ? And ... oh"

Inside the night is warmed up by the MC, a Jamaican girl who likes big male genitals, is happy to be in Vancouver and has a cousin in Miami, she also reminds us of the parental values of having a kid who believes in the boogie man. The first act is chubby fellow from somewhere in the north of Canada, deals with relationship issues, life in Vancouver and his handicap: a (s)lisp. Finally the main act appears, a semi famous guy from that show that appears to plagues the world around: “Idol(s)”.His act consists of random jokes and he has brought his guitar. He threatens to play it a couple of times, but he will only play it on the premise that no one laughs and takes the song seriously. That turns out to be quite hard with a song titled “Ginger Ale Vagina”. At the end he's just about to play it but alas “his time is up”.

Good fun.

The careful reader will immediately raise the question: so tell us, oh writer, what does this tell us about the psyches of these stand up comedians ? Or better still, being the professionals that they are, they cater to their audience : what does it tell you about them ? In fact, you seem to remember certain bits more clearly than others – what do we learn about you ?

Interesting questions which I would gladly answer, but yeah ... there's a reason for the title of this blog.

(*) Taken from one of the sketches at Yuk Yuk

Something random this week: Ginger Ale Something Random

The weekly uncovering of the urban lifestyle, contemporary trends and other (Canadian) peculiarities from a totally biased and nonobjective European perspective. Infiltration, intrigues, wonder and more ...

ast week covered the urban phenomena riding the curve of trendiness. The urban topic will be left to what it was. However there was still some vital visual evidence missing in that file, proving the extend of the urban infestation. This week's update makes up for that. Enjoy the splendor of these urban shots.

As we speak, proverbially so, the blog count has reached 25. Meanwhile more than 250 people have taken notice of all this randomness. Therefore it's time to reflect on the achievements of this little place in the vastness of the blogosphere. So buy yourself some expensive Champagne, pretend I paid for it and raise your glass to whatever you feel is appropriate.

While I have the attention, I would like to point out one or two little things.

On the right hand side, you will find links to other blogs. Several of these are random, I happen to stumble onto them every now and then. Others are from people to which I'm related in some fashion or another. By all means check them out every now and then.

Below the blog links you will find the Infiltration progression map. As it's one of Google's many nifty little geeky toys, I felt the beta tag was obligatory. The infiltration progression map will show you an overview of Vancouver and many of the (re)markable spots in and around it. Some of these are related to blog entries, others are not (or not yet).

Eventually I intend to start a franchise based on this infiltration map. It will feature undiscovered points of interest that get bring people around the world in touch with the local civilization. Or in lack thereof, just the locals. The franchise will be named “Alone on a Planetoid” and will feature a cheap black and white print made at my office. Maybe it's not one of the most solid business plans around, but I guess it beats waiting for the google adsense to make me a millionaire.

Since we're on the topic of good intentions and future certainties. I will be doing a tour around Europe early July, featuring some lectures and signing sessions... Dates and other arrangements will follow, please contact my agent (SO) for more details.

Normally I'm not too big of a fan of this kind of "humour", but the "do you think that ..." line is just brilliance. I just can't withheld this little gem from all you people with a taste far better than mine.

In Fashion For Free

Next year, same time, things will probably be somewhat different from where I am now. These are the classified reports keeping the home front informed about what's really going on in Canadia.

There's an interesting phenomena going on. It started long ago in primary school going under the names of “awesome” and “cool”. During high school it had evolved and recieved a name on its own, in our little social circle it went around as “alternative”. University would bring its own ring to it, depending on the state of the referrer, from “novel” to a more retrograde “awesome” during less clear episodes. Post university would add some glamour to it: “bourgeois” or “contemporary”. Now here in the northern parts a new version rears its ugly head.

urban native art

The topic here is of course: trends or “the curve”. A collection of ideas, expressions and other phenomena that determine how something at a certain time is intended to look, sound, feel or taste. Coincidentally it also offers a certain type of people to distinguish themselves and mock their not so “cool”, “novel”, or “contemporary” fellow human beings. To each his own.

Last week Vancouver was host to the yearly “Interior Design Expo”, one of the many ways the curve manifests itself. As part of the continuing infiltration program, the SO and I decided to check it out. Moreover one of my contacts in Vancouver is an accomplished furniture artist and was displaying his creations.

The show was filled with all kinds of furniture, ranging from just-above-Ikea level to genuine interesting creations. However no matter how much the furniture distinguished itself, nothing could escape the need for being “curve compliant”. And curve compliancy required that everything was “Urban” and I doubt it had something to do with hip-hop.

the urban entry to the expo

Urban toilets. Urban beds. Urban chains. Urban lamps. Urban kitchens. Urban paintings. Urban television sets and apparently even the stray BMWs on the show are now called “Urban Cars”.

Once the aware of the urban concept, one can see of the workings of the curve and the Urban concept is riding the curve wave all the way. Urbanity has escaped or outgrown it's natural confinements (style, fashion, interior design) and went mainstream. A short stroll around the streets of Vancouver will yield a variation of curve aware establishments: “Urban Sun Tanning”, “Urban Shoes”, “Urban Pets”, “Urban Food” and so on and so on.

Being one of those individuals who's-not-so-fashionably behind this proverbial curve has always giving me an excellent perspective on what is “happening”, when it's just slightly out of date. Sometimes I'm aware enough to see what is currently “in fashion” and on a rare occasion I accidentally find myself before the curve. These incidents are usually short lived though.

urban wall decoration

The fact that I am aware of the Urban concept means that it probably won't take too long before Urban has become “so-early-2K”. The first signs were already visible on the furniture expo where the new “uber urban” style is beginning to reveal itself: “Urban European”. As an European living in an urban area, I must say I'm quite content with that development. For once I won't have to do anything to be “in fashion”... at least for a little while.

Something to avoid spending money on this summer: the dancing, emo-spidey ... totally not urban

Kick Them when they're Down (3d period)

Next year, same time, things will probably be somewhat different from where I am now. These are the classified reports keeping the home front informed about what's really going on in Canadia.

After these commercially inspired intermissions, we continue with more hockey (*).

Ice hockey, “the game Canadia put on the map”, starts off with singing the national anthem. A necessity because the NHL features both Canadian teams and teams from their anthem loving southern neighbours. The average American activity nowadays appears to demand a gung ho style kick-off, including a song identifying the individual on one or more national or institutional level(s). Because the Canadians cannot let the Americans get ahead in the game, they too started singing their national pride. Ultimately, this results in a pre-game cold war, where the other team is subtly dissed by the singer or the singer suddenly “forgets” the words altogether... oh well, shit happens and their anthem is crap anyway: have a good game chaps !

After the musical or slightly musical start, the hockey activities start.

To the untrained eye, it may seem like ice hockey is actually the activity in between a series of breaks. A hockey game consists of three periods of twenty minutes each. After twenty minutes, the teams get a full 15 minute break. Every period is broken in several sessions that are marked by the beginning and end of commercial intermissions. Furthermore, each session is halted by a face-off as soon as a team commits a serious or less serious foul, the goalie somehow traps the puck (grabbing it, falling on it or any other method also counts), or if a goal is made. Occasionally, two (or more) players may opt for a break by taking off the gloves, helmet and dropping the ice hockey rules all together in favour of boxing regulations.

Going for the flawless victory [cats-mania]

If all these breaks still leave a player without breath, he may decide to substitute himself for a fellow team mate. The latter results in entire teams getting substituted every thirty seconds or so. Apparently, this has nothing to do with a baseball like constitution of the players, but more with the fact that dragging around several kilograms of equipment manages to wear out the highest of the high-end athletes pretty quickly. Suggestions to wear less and play longer seem to conflict with other properties of the game, such as the temperatures required to maintain the ice, the obsession with skating into each other, and the puck which has a nasty tendency to leave bruises when caught with an unprotected body part. If implemented, it would probably result in a pussied-down version of ice hockey, much to the dismay of real men (tm).

The game, or rather the interbreak activities that pass off as ice hockey, are fast paced and highly enjoyable to anyone who loves a good team game. It didn't take much before I too found myself cheering for the Vancouver Canucks and yelling “Go Canucks Go” along with the mob. To 'R's and my delight, the Canucks defeated the LA Kings with a score of three to two. This victory brought Vancouver the third place in their division. The end result is important because a good ranking offers certain perks in the post-season playoffs.

[www.piperreport.com]

The NHL playoffs are better known as the Stanley Cup, an over-the-top multi-layered silver icecream-cup. After the regular season, the best 8 teams of the west coast decide who faces the best of the east coast. These teams play each other in a series of the best of seven, to decide which team is the best ice hockey team of the northern Americas. Sadly, the Canucks won't win the Stanley Cup this year. After a tight 4-3 victory in the first round, Vancouver was over classed by the team with possibly the cutest name in the NHL... the Anaheim Ducks.

Showing its usual editorial brilliance, my favorite free “news”paper, the Metro, came up with the killer headline... “No, Canucks, No”. Nothing better than a bad punchline when they're down...

(*) After various complaints from the SO and Mr Jones, I promise this will be the last hockey episode. For a while at least

A flag for freedom, liberating "The number" [http://www.badmouth.net]