For War ! For Terror !

While the aura of cute and cuddly Baby continues to turn grown up men, consultants and rock stars - to - be into mush left and right, the world outside this soft pink and diaper filled universe continues to rotate around its Sun in an everyday way.

The Final Canadian Move is still in progress, world-renowned politicians over-estimate their might, nature retaliates against the onslaughts of men and George W happily continues his War of Terror aka the Pursuit of Oil and Happiness.

Being wary of the motives of the warmongering American Tsar, many of us, citizens of the world, oppose the Bush Initiative in the Middle East. As a firm believer of the "make-warcraft, not war" principle, I too hope for a swift termination of both the misguided war and Bush's career alike.

Despite this political stance, I find myself guilty of providing a significant contribution to his cause by providing him with a huge addition to the American Empire as Shiva received her American Citizenship this week.

This act of treason, occurred at the American consulate in Amsterdam. The consulate is a heavily fortified building near the Museumplein. Surrounded by a big sturdy fence and a silly security protocol, this establishment offers people the opportunity to deal with the USSA's administration. In the Anton Pieck like bowels of this outpost, we swore our daughter to partake in the glorious expansion of the most democratic nation of the world...

swearing allegiance for the baby

One week later, the American Empire grew with one citizen. And with another soul enlisted in service of the Army of the Willing, the American population gained the upper hand in our small condo. Outnumbered 2 Americans to 1 European, I had no choice but to welcome the new American overlords.

My last hope is to turn this situation into a draw, but my hope lies with the decisiveness of the Dutch civil servant establishment. So far this entity has done nothing but to whine about proportions, light, colour and other trivialities of the passport photo thus denying liberation of the American oppression ...

George W. on the other hand is delighted about his latest conquest. Last thing I heard, he's redirected one of his carriers to the duckpond in front of our building... his Republican party could use another "victory speech" prior to the upcoming elections.

A3aan noted the following

Tools of the Trade

Babies are cute and cuddly, and as a parent you tend to reward those qualities with a silly built-in response to spoil the baby. Enter the flashy baby buggies, a shiny and comfy crib, the mountain of stuffed toys, and various tools to keep your baby clean, dry, asleep and warm, shiny, oily or less whiny.

A huge pile of stuffed toys watches over the sleeping baby

Being urban parents, we also desire to have the best our money can buy. However, as parents in the current state of an intercontinental move, we´re also trying to be practical and keep the fluff to a minimum until the family reunites. In the meantime, the SO has acquired quite an amount of baby related devices over the past months. We have a multipurpose buggy, which can be extended with a baby seat or a crib (awesome Transformerlike toy for teh daddy). In the center of our apartment is the baby altar; here the munchkin gets her fresh new baby perfumed diapers. This altar is stacked with so many baby power ups, and resembles a mini chemistry science lab. We acquired a little crib from FreeCycle, which the proud grandparents upgraded to a commercial grade sleeping implementation. And somewhere on the premises is a baby bath tub with the mandatory armada of ducklets.

As grand as all these baby applications are, eventually the whole lot has to move to Canadia. So besides getting used to my new role as a full time father, this infiltration intermission also carries the theme of moving.

In between these activities, the metaphorical lightbulb appeared over my head (and where the SO thinks things went horribly wrong)...

All this baby crap is fine and dandy, but it's so goddamn bloated and redundant. Take that fancy bed grandma and grandpa built and painted... does the baby really care or know how great that bed is ? My hypothesis is, no she doesn't. To test that theory, I decorated a prime quality cardboard box with two run-of-the-mill IKEA pillows and applied the sleeping baby to it. You can see for yourselves that there is no notable difference between the baby happily sleeping in the big comfy bed or a baby sleeping in the box.

It occurred to me that this box thing has an untapped potential.

After spending some time in the design lab, I came up with the following baby utilities. While brilliant concepts, they still need a good amount of marketing for the audience to fully appreciate them... Here's a glimpse of what I have so far:

The Baby Box (tm)

The Bed Box: Build once, sleep everywhere (tm) (*). Now you can put your baby to sleep everywhere without bringing the crib, buggy or other needless and expensive material. Thanks to advanced baby technology this solution is safe (**), easy to setup, comfortable and 100 % bio degradable (***). Order your baby box now !

baby box in action

The Box Tub: Clean babies everywhere (tm). Bring the baby spa right into your living room. Unfold your box, add water and the baby, it can't be simpler than that ! (**) Watch your little clone splash, puddle and get clean in the process (***). The Box Tub is the device no proud parent can go without, order now !

Box Tub

The Buggy Box: Got wheels ? We got a buggy ! Make your neighbours jealous (***) of your baby mobile ! What more do you need to know, order now !

Ready to Roll

But that's not all: Order the baby box now and we include the free universal baby travel device extension ! And there is more ! If you order any of these products, we add a free upgrade from any of these products to any other baby box compatible item.

The Baby Box: the item no parent can go without.

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(*) Pillows sold separately
(**) Don't try this at home
(***) Actual performance depends on your preference of box material.

I cannot see how this box concept can go wrong... If anyone feels like angel investing in this promising start up let me know.

Age: One week and a day or two

Dear Reader,

Seat yourself in your favorite chair, preferably one of the rocking kind under the reading light in your library. Spoil yourself, break open that fine bottle of red wine you kept for special occasions and pull out your secret stash of Cuban cigars. Take a deep breath as you look out of your mansion over the meadows into the setting sun. Muster all the intelligence your brain harbours, because you're going to need it as this entry peaks into the realm of diapers, burps, farts, poo and cheesy happiness. ZOMG it's baby time.

Entering fatherhood is a unique experience, which given my limited vocabulary, I can only describe as "intense". It's a touching kind of beauty to hold your offspring in your arms for the first time after the battle that is delivery - even if you play the humble role of support trooper. When your SO holds the kid and winks away a tear, it's little less than heartbreaking - in a good way. You have no choice, but that little package of flesh and bones immediately becomes the single most most precious thing in the world. Everything she does is the most endearing event ever.

baby - spa in Voorburg takes care of every aspect of your toddler

Personally I never had a thing with those screaming crying little gnomes who's obvious pink butt-ugliness was visible to everybody, but their parents. The fact that what I wrote in the previous section and mean every word of it, took me completely by surprise... I was totally unprepared for it in every way possible.

Not everything is bliss however. It's by no means a flawless and painless pink cloud one ends up in, those who claim otherwise should be "kicked in the face" to paraphrase the SO.

First victim of your beloved squirmy former parasite is your night's rest. The critter is on a three hour cycle of feeding, sleeping, waking, crying, pooping and peeing and nothing is going to stop it... So say hello to night and very early morning shifts. Also welcome sleep deprivation, sluggishness, irritability and absentmindednesses... Effectively, luckily nothing changed for me there.

What you thought you knew is worth squat now. You're a target driven, highly motivated team player, who excels in communication and professionalism and what not ? Congratulations - you're dealing with a new "team" member who couldn't care less. What it does care about are your diaper skillz, pacifying 133theid and feeding pro-ness ( also it doesn't mind body heat - any body heat)

a cute baby == a sleeping baby

Diapers , to start with, look deceptively easy right, put the baby in them and close it up ? Maybe you - dearest reader - are a natural and you missed your calling, diapering babies with your eyes closed. But most likely you'll go through one or more wet and stinky jeans before you get the hang of attaching them to a squirmy, screaming creature at 3:00 AM. As an added bonus I hope you won't object against removing juicy feces just after you worked on a quick snack...

Furthermore, what's the difference between a screaming baby, a crying baby and a howling baby ? Initially it will all be the same to you. The kid may operate in binary communication mode, to cry or not to cry, but there subtle signals which may help you understand if it needs food, release some gaseous bottom air, a clean diaper or merely doesn't want to be alone yet. Interpret incorrectly and you'll end up with more frustrating and unstoppable howling. Equip yourself with endless patience and alertness and life will become better quite fast. I understand from objective and knowing sources some good night rest can help ... night rest ... oh ... right.

Feeding is actually quite easy. If you're the male. Or use some baby milk formula. Since there are apparently great benefits to be gained from pure natural mother milk, the SO decided to go the way of the booby food. She got herself a nice book on the topic, explaining how much fun breastfeeding is and how to do it. The books comes with a fitting glossy 80s looking soft pr0n cover.

feeding the easy way

After a week of this endless bliss and fun, the SO is currently trying to figure where the author lives and put some jumper cables on her nipples to see if said author is capable of feeling anything at all. If so the same author may receive "a kick in the face", to quote the SO. Apparently breastfeeding can be quite "uncomfortable". I wouldn't know, as my boobs are of no interest to our offspring, but the SO's faces of agony give me a hint whenever our precious little darling latches on.

But dear reader, at the end of the day every problem or inconvenience you will encounter will turn out to be completely meaningless and worthwhile ... when you end up with shots like these.

Baby surrenders

- Happy Dad Out.